An intro, of course

My weight loss journey has been an interesting and scattered one. I unknowingly developed Binge Eating Disorder about 4 or so years ago (my timelines are always off, bear with me). Prior to that I was at a healthy weight, albeit with unhealthy eating habits, and never thought twice about what I consumed. I was comfortable with my body and my size which ranged anywhere from a size 8 to 12 (I even managed to fit into size 6 skirts sometimes, women’s clothing are weird!). I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, with my weight never going up or down more than just a handful of pounds. I guess you could say I was lucky that way, I didn’t really think about it then. All this to say, because I looked good and was content, being healthy in general was simply not on my list of priorities, and I don’t think wishing for J-Lo’s abs counts!

In 2009 at the age of 22 I started taking anti-depressants  that helped my condition, but hit me hard with one crucial side effect I hadn’t yet experienced with all the other medications I had been on – which included intense abdominal pain, nausea, mood swings, panic attacks, fatigue, and hallucinations, not a lot of fun – and this was increased appetite and weight gain. My appetite seemed to QUADRUPLE, but since I was so accustomed to not watching what I ate, I didn’t really pay any attention to the weight I slowly started to gain. I’m not sure exactly how long it took for me to notice it. I remember being surprised that my clothes were feeling tight but I didn’t worry. I chalked it up to, well, nothing really. Like I said, I didn’t really pay attention. That still stands as one of the few regrets I have in life. I carried on eating with my newly found appetite. Fast forward to a year later, and not only was I much heavier than I had ever been in my life, but there was something very weird about my relationship with food. I found myself frequently hiding the fact that I was eating so much, doing strange things like waiting until everyone in my house went to sleep so I could literally sneak into the kitchen and chow down on whatever food I could find, or stuffing empty packets and boxes of junk in the bottom of the trash so no one could see that the family size of whatever was suddenly gone in a day.

I became obsessed, all I could think about from the moment I woke up was what and when I could eat. Even when I felt physically ill from over indulging I couldn’t stop myself, it was like I had to eat, whether I wanted to or not, and hunger rarely had anything to do with it. I felt like an addict who had to USE food to get by and feel something other than the emotional and mental pain I was drowning in, even if it only lasted only 20 minutes. It’s hard to explain how this caused both pleasure and a host of negative emotions all at the same time, creating a cycle that only encouraged me to eat further. For the first time in my life, food became a source of daily, shit, hourly comfort. And at such a difficult time in my life, I needed all the comfort I could get. So I continued, all the while not really understanding what was happening, knowing it was troubling, but accepting it anyway. The worst part of it all was the guilt and shame every time I binged. I grew to hate myself and what I was doing. I was disgusted over how my body had drastically changed and that I had let it, and how my NEED for food was out of my control. I felt weak and pathetic, which cheered on my lifelong issues of self-loathing, that I then applied to my appearance, the only thing about myself I had never had a problem with. Every bite I took reinforced the idea that I truly was a worthless human being.

One day it just hit me that this seriously was not normal and it shouldn’t be okay anymore. I looked up my symptoms online, came across BED, read a few articles, and broke down in tears because that was me they were all talking about – all my feelings, thoughts, and behavior. I saw a therapist who specializes in eating disorders just a few days later and she confirmed my self-diagnosis and the fact that I needed help. Over the past couple of years I’ve done talk therapy, group therapy, hypnotherapy, and trying to lose weight on my own. What has come out of it all is this: I’m no longer on any medication, I’m no longer in therapy (not by choice, I wish I was still doing it), I’ve grown passionate about nutrition which is what prompted this blog, I care about being healthy mentally/emotionally/physically and believe they’re all tied together, I’m 38 lbs lighter and steadily losing pounds while gaining confidence again, I still have a lot of shame and guilt over my disorder but it’s better now and I’m working on it, I haven’t fully accepted my body the way it is now, I’m a better and ironically much healthier person today than every before in my life (yes, physically/mentally/emotionally), I cry when I look at myself sometimes, food is less of a battle and on a good day it’s not my enemy, I hate myself less, my new found passion for nutrition has inspired me to seek out something career-wise in that field, I enjoy yoga and workouts that challenge me, I’m finally in a place where I feel I am in control and that food and/or my self-loathing don’t have to take over my life anymore.

I honestly didn’t expect to share as much as I have, and certainly didn’t expect that it would feel damn good to do so. I thought of and started this blog less than 48 hours ago with the intention of sharing what I’ve learned so far health-wise and the desire to continue learning and connect with others who are leading a healthy lifestyle or in the process of beginning one. That’s what I’m about here and I invite you to join me.

Thank you so very much for reading.